Something's Happening

Lately, people have been nice to me, passing strangers, people I don't know.

When I go to the grocery or to the post, I encounter people that are nice to me.  I know sometimes it is because I'm walking with my cane.  But a lot of times, I'm using a shopping cart, like today, so I don't think they are seeing me as some old man.  I'm not sure what they are seeing, but they seem to want to just be nice.  They say, 'hi' or smile and ask how my day is going.  I really like that.

I don't see a lot of people that I know in person these days.  With the pain I have, I don't get out that much, except to go to the grocery, which I have to do.  I need to eat.  So, with few exceptions, I don't see that many of my friends any more.  I rarely just run into people I know, like I used to.  I even traveled to Seattle and ran into people I knew from Boston, and I lived in Wichita, at the time.  I didn't take it for granted, but almost accepted it as ... well ... me   (I do occasionally run into BeeJay and her family at the Hy-Vee). But I digress.

I have been trying to interact with people when I go out.  To make others smile.  Say something quippy and humorous.  I do try to draw them in for a brief moment, not being intrusive, just interactive and positive.  Yet, there are days I am not feeling up to the challenge and I just go thru with my task, to pick up bread or milk and go home.  I wish I could remember all of these times that I've had these interactions, so brief, but so important.

Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, with things the way they are, seeing so much hate and adversary on social media, I guess it's that I've been afraid that it would leak over into my social reality.  I like joking about that I am searching for that one product in the cereal aisle and notice the person next to me searching in the same manner.  I look at them and say, "I'm going to be really mad if you find yours first, and I'll be really, REALLY mad if you're looking for the same thing and there's only one box."  And we both laugh.

It's a moment.  Mere seconds, really.  But it seems important.

Medical Exam Tomorrow

I slept for a while tonight before waking up around 1am.  I have a medical examination tomorrow for my SS disability.  It's south -- way south Kansas City.  I'm dreading the drive, but hopefully something good will come of it.

This past week, I had my SS disability hearing.  I can only say that I did my best at trying to explain my situation with pain, insomnia, and the inability to work properly.  My hands, feet, stomach, and back and my stamina are all terribly inadequate.  My sleep is not a good sleep.  I tried to take a nap this afternoon because my stomach was upset.  I dozed for about 5 minutes before the phone rang and woke me completely and jangled my nerves.  I couldn't settle back down and gave up and got back up.  Ate some cheese and crackers and that seemed to quiet my stomach down, at least.

I'm going to try to get some more sleep so I can get down to the exam safely later today, as it's almost 4am.

Ugh.

I have a new pain tonight.  I was just awakened to it.  It was why I went to bed earlier tonight while we were watching t.v.  I'm going to try to describe it as well as the host of others.  Each pain is different, sometimes in combinations, but each has a specific feel.

Tonight, I add what feels like someone has smashed my shins with a cinder block and then throbbing pain afterwards.

Smash.  Throb. Throb.  Throb.

Smash.  Throb. Throb.  Throb.

Smash.  Throb. Throb.  Throb.

It has subsided for now.  I should try to get back to sleep, but want to post this entry.  The other pains include:

A sort of numbness in my feet and now my hands as well.  When I stand, it feels like I'm standing on gravel stones.  My hands do not recognize what I'm holding and many times it feels rough when the object is soft.  When I close my eyes and I'm standing, I'm disoriented and almost dizzy.  Unstable on my feet, with the feeling that I will fall.

Pins and needles in my feet and now in my hands.  These come and go.

Ice pick jabs.  These occur in my toes and now to my knees and calf muscles.

Knife jabs.  The bottoms of my feet, most specifically, to the arches of my feet and mostly to my right foot but has happened to the left as well.

Sensitivity to cold.  I notice this mostly in my hands.  If I touch something cool, my hands are immediately cold and it takes the better part of an hour to warm them back up.  I have noticed this in my feet but I usually wear two pairs of socks these days.

Insensitivity to heat.  This is a terrible one.  I am not aware that something might be hot if I'm touching it with my hands until it has already started to burn me.  This one scares me, but I'm trying to remember to always have a hot-mitt.

There is pain around my midsection, mostly on  my right side, that comes around from the back to just above my navel, to the left.  I don't have this all of the time.  Not sure of the reason of this uncomfortable, distracting pain.  Maybe some nerves in my digestive tract, but it doesn't seem to be following my intestines.

The pain in my feet has begun to creep up my legs. 

All of this pain is exhausting to me.  It keeps me distracted much of the time.  When it's really bad, I have a difficult time understanding what people are saying, what I am reading, what is going on around me, and even what is going on in a tv show or movie. 

That's all I can think of at this time.  I know I should have chronicled all of this throughout these past two years.  I should have written down what I've eaten, when I've eaten it, when I've had a b.m., when I've been able to sleep...  all of it, but I didn't.   Time to do better.